May 2015
"AH, YES. Please. Come in. We’re so very glad to have you back."
"Thank you."
"It’s been, wow. Months. You do know that the rules in insurance have changed, and that this is covered now, don’t you?"
"I don’t think I knew that."
"Oh, yes. Completely. Once you’ve met your deductible, this is all covered, and for you….yes. You can come back every day for the rest of the year, if you’d like."
"Really? Is that for everyone?"
"Absolutely."
"Bureaucrats finally did something right, eh?"
"Indeed they did."
"I would think you would be much busier, then. I had no trouble getting in at all."
"Well, we’re not convinced the insurance change is common knowledge yet; regulations are unnecessarily cryptic, you know."
"You’re telling me."
"I don’t know why they are so allergic to plain language. We had to hire someone just to figure the darn things out, if you’ll excuse my French. Anyway, if you want to set up a schedule, you might want to do that before you leave, before we do get booked up."
"Yes. Yes, of course, thank you. I’ll, uh, I’ll do that."
"Very good. So. I do have to ask a few things, as it’s been such a while since you’ve been to see us. Have you been getting this taken care of at other facilities?"
"No."
"Right. Consequently, I’m afraid I do have to ask: have you been getting private help?"
"God, no."
"And you will have to forgive the intrusion but…have you been taking care of it yourself?"
"Absolutely not."
"Hence, it truly has been since you were last in to see us in December?"
"I’m afraid so."
"Well, we certainly don’t try to tell you how to live your life, but, would you agree that isn’t perhaps the best lifestyle choice? Research shows tha—"
"—It wasn’t a question of choice on my part. I’ve just been absolutely buried at work, and there are only so many candles I can juggle and burn on both ends at the same time."
"Oh, no, there’s no judgment. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about anything here—we all do have lives that are busy—and we do appreciate your business. But you do have to take care of yourself fir—"
"—You mean I should let you take care of me."
"Yes, of course. That’s what we’re here for, sir. Now, if you’ll come with me, we can get things started, and begin to make things back to how they should be."
"Sure. Listen, I didn’t mean to snap at you ther—"
"—Nonsense. Frankly, it’s been rather long, and I’m surprised you haven’t done anything about it yourself until now. It’s best you came in. It isn’t the least bit surprising that you’re a little cranky, if you’ll forgive me for saying so."
"Well, it’s not right of me to lash out at you like that. It’s not like it’s your fault."
"Please, think little of it. I am a professional, as are we all here."
"And I do appreciate that; thank you."
"Ah, here’s your room. After you."
"Very nice. Should I start getting undressed?"
"Oh, you can wait until after I’ve left, sir. As usual, if you would start out face down on the table. Your therapist will be in momentarily."
"Alright."
"Now, there have been some rule changes since you were here last, what with the way insurance works these days. The very first one is that you are not allowed to speak with your therapist at all."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Given the nature of the procedure, insurance has dictated some terms to deal with coverage issues that they—I’m so sorry to say—didn’t want to contend with."
"Then how will I tell her if it’s going alright?"
"I assure you, sir, all of our therapists are the very best at what they do, and can read you better than you can."
"Good lord, I wasn’t quite prepared for this. What if something goes wrong?"
"Nothing will go wrong. I can personally guarantee it. You will be very well monitored. Heart rate, blood pressure, electro cardiogram, electroencephalogram, you name it, you’ll be hooked up to it. What’s more, we videotape it all, to make sure everything is on the up-and-up, should the question get asked."
"That sounds…invasive. So why can’t I talk to her? Can’t I even say hello?"
"Good heavens, no. It is precisely those sort of attachments that insurance wants to avoid. It isn’t a question of courtesy or pleasantries or even secrets. We all know what you’re here for."
"It just seems so impersonal. So inhuman. Clinical."
"Which is part of the point, here, sir. This is being covered under the necessities of basic physiological needs, therefore there can’t be any remote hint of any kind of offensive emotional impact or attachment, as that would put what we do here under an entirely different clause on your insurance contract, which will accordingly land everything back to not being covered…hence costing you more."
"I’m not sure I like that."
"Unfortunately, it is what it is. Your trepidations are completely understandable, but I should stress that if you simply cannot abide by this procedure change, we will have to gag you. We can’t allow ourselves into a position to have this not be covered any more than you can. So it does put me into the position to have to ask: given the risks for default on coverage, would you accept being gagged from the start? Just to be safe?"
"I…I never have been."
"No, I didn’t see that in your chart. But it would be for everyone’s benefit if you would consent to that from the very beginning."
"I just don’t know."
"It’s certainly not something I can force you into. However, I would need you to sign this waiver to proceed if you decide to go without the gag."
"What is it?"
"It says that, if you speak during the procedure, that you will be held liable for the costs."
"How much are we talking about?"
"An estimate is on the second page."
"Good heavens! Why so much?"
"We’ve upgraded a lot of things around here, for compliance reasons."
"I can’t possibly afford that."
"Which is why insurance is such a blessing."
"Good lord. I will take the gag."
"Very good. Don’t worry; they’re not so bad. You will not be entirely helpless or incommunicative while you are in it. You will simply not be able to use words. You can still nod and shake your head, and you are free to make whatever noise you wish from under the gag."
"What about sign language?"
"Well, that does bring up the next point here. You will be bound."
"Excuse me?"
"Well, I think that would be almost obvious. So you couldn’t interfere with the procedure."
"How can that possibly work? With me tied face down on the table?"
"Believe it or not, the table has a very clever rotation mechanism in it. Upgrades, you know. We’re quite proud that our methods and equipment are actually from this century now. Your therapist—when they have gotten what needs to done with you on your stomach all accomplished—will be able to quite simply turn you over and finish it all up. It works like this. See? Less physiological impact on you than if you were to roll yourself over. You’ll hardly even know it is happening."
"This is almost too much. I’m beginning to think this was a mistake."
"I see. You are, of course, free to go, sir, and simply pay the consultation fee. Page three."
"This is outrageous. What if I went someplace else? Some place less advanced?"
"This is how the industry works now, sir. Assuming you can even get in somewhere else, it will happen pretty much the same way everywhere."
"What if I went with a freelancer?"
"As we’ve discussed, you’d be hard pressed to even find one any more, never mind trying to get it covered. They have been all but regulated out of existence. And doing it yourself, well, I think you know as well as I do how well that will work out."
"Christ. You’ll forgive me if I’m struggling with this. I just…Damn it!"
"No need for that kind of language, sir."
"Sorry…I’m sorry."
"We are trying to do everything we can to make you as comfortable as we can for this."
"This is a lot of adjustment. This is nothing like it was last year."
"Yes, of course. I understand, it is a lot of change. The future has a way of sneaking up on us. Would you like a moment?"
"No, I don’t see that I have any options here. Are there any other little changes I need to know about?"
"Only one that might be meaningful: we will have to blindfold you."
"Imagine my surprise."
"To avoid any kind of emotional issues, over attachment and the like, as we’ve already discussed."
"As we’ve already discussed. Gad. This is a bureaucratic nightmare."
"Personally, I wish it didn’t have to be this way; I’m a bit old-fashioned myself. But it’s not like we can offer you any kind of alternative, and I do apologize for that. What do you want to do?"
"I don’t have a whole lot of choice. Go ahead."
"Excellent. I will take my leave of you to go wrangle paperwork, and send in the technicians to bind you to the table, and apply the blindfold and the gag. Your therapist will be right with you."
"We do what we have to do."
###
"THANK YOU, yes. I have a question. Can I see the admissions person before we go any further?"
###
"YES, SIR. Is anything wrong? They haven’t tied you too tightly have they? Not cutting off any circulation? You can’t see anything from under there, can you?"
"How will I know if it’s a man or a woman?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Well, we—or at least, I—have been talking about the therapist as though it was going to be a woman. If I can’t see or move, and they don’t talk—now, hold on. Is the therapist going to be gagged, too?"
"I…well…"
"It seems to me that if my speech is a problem, theirs is, too. Which means they pretty much have to be gagged as well."
"You make a valid point. And yes, that would probably be wise."
"Which makes me wonder how well they are going to be able to do what is necessary with their mouth otherwise occupied."
"Well, that goes back to your question as to whether it’s a man or a woman. It doesn’t matter."
"It matters to me."
"Which I do not understand why it is you don’t know this. We don’t facilitate your, uh, needs, with hands or mouths or any other messy ways into the human body any more."
"What?!?"
"No, of course not. It’s a machine. The therapist simply sets it up."
"Are you trying to tell me—"
"—Absolutely. It’s perfectly normal. You masturbation session is going to be facilitated by a machine. Programmed prostate stimulation, penis milking, the whole nine yards. I swear, we’re going to knock your socks off. Now, we are still going through some transition around here, but in another month or two, we’ll have the virtual reality simulators in place, and we’ll be able to put you into the middle of a real-time 3-d rendered pornographic movie simulation, as nothing less than the star who gets the girl, and we’ll be able to facilitate any kink you might want to explore. Even the nasty ones. All completely safe, and best of all, all completely covered. Your body won’t know the difference, and it won’t take long before you won’t know, either."
"I don’t wan—mgluphmph!"
"Thank you. Sometimes we just have to take charge of the patients. Now please call the therapist in; get this gentleman going. Standard five expenditures. Mmmm. I am quite sure this will work out well for you, sir. I’ve already taken the liberty of booking you in every day for the rest of the year, and…I’m sure you can well imagine how insurance views missed appointments. I hope you don’t mind: the phone has been ringing off the hook. Apparently, word is getting around. Good luck, and thank you again for your business. We do so very much appreciate it."
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